I am beginning to feel that old feeling – the need to explore the more that is within me and within this universe. It happens occasionally the need to find something within myself that is more powerful than the current self I allow me to be. I believe that the soul can handle more than the brain ever thought possible, and if we allow ourselves to be open to the possibilities we will find more possibilities than we ever dreamt. It is the need to feel that we are surrounded with more than the mundane world we have enriched ourselves with.
There are some darker elements to the world that I am describing but they make the rays of light all the more brighter. They are the passionate pain we feel and the kind of fear that tests the full mettle of who and what you are. But it is also the rare ecstasy that can only be found in your mind and in the limitless needs that one body has. It is the greatness and the vastness that exceeds this earth, and possibly even this universe and only exists in the God we have created. It is the craziness of the twinkling stars, and the freedom found deep inside that breaks past the barriers we wreck to make ourselves passable to the dreams of others. They are arms that we fall into only in the deepest recess of our conscience, but I need to see them again, I need to feel those arms allow me to fall.
For that is what it always comes downs to – the need to fall. To fall in the willing arms of a masterful lover, to fall into the arms of a wise woman and listen to her breathe, and the fall into a child’s laughter at the simple sight of a moon. It is that fall that catches are breath and allows us to breathe, and the fall that catches are stillness and allows us to fly. It is the deep chasm that allows us to rest in the nights that there are no dreams and no hopes. It is the journey in which we find not only ourselves, but the selves we hide from God’s eyes.
I wish that it was an easy journey, one that I could take often; instead it is a journey that requires my strength and my deepest depression to fully appreciate. It requires the appetite of a muse and the beat of a jaguar’s heart; and it requires a loneliness that is never truly forgotten. But it has become an obsession in my soul one more time, and as the clock ticks with the blood in my veins, I realize that it will override all other sacred things in my life. It is too powerful and too lonely to ever ignore.
It means walking away from the shell I have built; not the shell that protects me from others but the shell that protects me from myself. I will contain the walls in my world, as I break down the walls throughout my soul; it will strength my defenses to those I love most and crumble any resistance to my own conscience. It will renew me, it will revitalize me and it will once again call a small death to my heart. For in this vastness is tall order – to see the universe one has to break down the barriers that protect us, that save us, that consume us.
For all that is bad, the journey becomes more necessary to me than the need to breathe. It is my private heaven, it is my private hell – and it is waiting for me tonight. And to seek it I call all angels, and ask their wings push me into my deepest desires.
Originally Posted 2011