How does one find beauty? I hate the saying that beauty is in the eye of the beholder; it such an incredible excuse to be nothing. Beauty is probably in the eye of the beholder, if the only one beholding is you. And it is such a hard lesson to learn.
It is like the lesson that not everyone likes you. I hate that lesson, and it isn’t one I have ever handled well. Don’t get me wrong, I can pretend. I can even ignore the situation until it isn’t right there on the top of my heart, but I can never understand it. I am not perfect, I make mistakes. I am not always going to say the correct thing, and I am not always going to do the right thing, but I try. And why isn’t there a likability curve between people? Why are people so determined to not like me, and why bother? It frustrates me to no end that I can’t ask in this world, what the hell did I ever do to you? Why is it that you don’t like me?
I am asking men, I am asking those I work with, those I know, and those friends who introduce me to strangers.
But I try to remember, okay it is hard to remember, that my likability, my beauty is of no concern to anyone but myself. The truth is that your beauty both inner and outer belong to you. It belongs to the person that you are and the person that you can be. Are you gracing covers of magazines? Are you listed in People magazine each year? Are you the next big thing? And does that make you less?
But how do we find our own beauty, our own likability? How do we convince ourselves, without a doubt, that who and what we are, is perfectly okay? How do I tell myself, and make myself believe, that the person I am trying to be is enough?
I don’t send mean comments over the internet. I don’t talk rudely to people, or demand impossible things from those around me. I dress conservatively, I have well-behaved children, I take a shower every night (and use soap). So what is it about me that makes me less in someone’s eyes?
I don’t aim to be perfect, but I certainly wish the world would tell me what I am doing wrong. I wish that person who doesn’t like me for no reason that I can see, would step up and just tell me why. I wish that person who treats me like I am a rodent under her shoe, would simply whisper in my ear all the advice that she thinks will make me better that I know she has been storing up to tell me, would simply tell me.
Should I wear make-up? (I don’t.) Should I cut my hair? (It’s long and wavy). Should I wear dressy clothes? (I don’t.) Should I lose weight? (Okay, I won’t listen to anyone who say yes to this one…really). Should I be less talkative? (I have no problem helping where I can, but is it annoying?) Should I change my name, my tune, my patterns, my very existence?
The truth is at the end of day, I am probably just fine the way I am. However, the truth is that I can’t be the kind of person who doesn’t want to change so others would like me. The truth is I will always care what my boss thinks, what my husband thinks, what the people I think are my friends think. The truth is no matter how many times I tell myself, the eye of the beholder should always be myself, I will always need that little extra belief that you like me too.