It’s cold outside; the kind of cold that doesn’t sit on your skin but moves deep into your bones. I find myself slowly, simply moving through my day without the power of ambition or the hope of those beautiful lights. It is days like this that I wonder if it is possible to be happy, truly bone deep happy. Or are we only forced to exist in a day to day world of time. Time that marches, time that moves, slowly or quickly, it moves along without marking anything but the day in which it resides.
I listen to the soulful words of those women that can change me, relax me with single notes held. I listen to the strings of great cellos, songs that can move me with a single note held. I listen to the young voices of choirs far away, and I marvel at the way their complex melodies can so easily resound in me.
I picture those mountains with the stars hanging close enough to light the trees. I picture those waves rolling into the sand, taking deep breaths as if they are waiting for the next moment of violence. I picture the sound of my children as they find their own laughter in a world dreary with rain.
How do I funciton with there is no energy to live? How do I exist when there is no will to do so? It is days like this that the beatings mark my skin.
And despite the technicolor pictures in my mind, and the music worshipping my soul, I will continue on. I will not be able to seek out another moment of peace, I will not be able to walk to my own dream. I will instead continue on the path, the journey that is mine alone. And despite the necessity that God has determined is mine, I want to walk away. I want to find not what this world expects of me, but what I expect of myself.
I don’t want to pretend tonight, I don’t want to have faith, or put on a role. I want to settle into the depths of my soul, and rest. I want to seek my haven and maybe, possibly find it this time. I want to close my eyes and believe that in my dreams I will find the solace that I need.
Every day I pretend, every day I hope that if I act long enough I will be that person you all need. And every day I will continue to pretend, to save you the heartache of me.