It is the morning after the my first appointment with a new therapist. And I am not quite ready to look into it. Delve into the truth about how I felt sitting down with him, or even what we did and did not speak about. Just can’t go there today.
Instead, it is another day in my life that I wish to hide. I wish to simply bury myself in the mundane and not think about the thousand things not only this doctor brought forth, but the remembrance that I have to go to a doctor brings. I don’t want to think about this disease today; I want to settle myself if a dark corner of my mind and be lazy. Is not confronting the truth lazy?
And my mother is coming this weekend, which means that not only do I have to clean my home, but I have school my children on manners (again) and hope that in some small way I get the comfort that I depend on from my mother. The problem with having a visitor who is more interested in my children than me, I am regulated to the back burner when I so desperately just need a hug. God, I want a hug that means something. So instead I am going to hide in the corner, and try to get smaller and smaller.
My life is in flux; and hopefully it will continue that way. Parts of my life need to change; my husband needs a new job, my debt must be paid down, my house needs fixing. I am looking forward to the change, although I know that it will neither come easily or carefully. So instead I am going to bury my mind into a small dark corner.
Life is what it is, but sometimes I wonder how the world can deal with it everyday? How do you keep going without occasionally hiding? How do you survive without some darkness? Is my darkness so pervasive that I simply can’t live in a life without hiding?
Why is that I need to hide, yet so many people can stand in the light and shine? Even when the day is gone? Even when the world isn’t looking? Even when the world turns? Why is the darkness necessary to my survival? And why is it that today I need that darkness more than I need that love?