There are thousands of things that life really should have taught us before we signed up for it. And while there are thousands of books with helpful advice and sage wisdom, the truth is no one ever reads those things until it is too late. However, while I was once again trying to disinfect my home and get it into some semblance of order today, I thought of the things that I wish someone had told me.
1. When you have a husband and children, your toilet will be just as disgusting on the inside as it is on the outside. There is no reason for it, just know going in.
2. Children create their own worlds. You will not be invited, you will not understand, and honestly, you will not remember you own little worlds while yelling at said children.
3. Should you have the temerity to hire a professional cleaner and bring them into your home of children and the husband, they will leave with pity and disgust in their eyes. And your house still won’t be all that clean.
4. Shaving your legs with a family will quickly become just one more chore. You will quickly and easily give it up, no matter how much you “love” your husband. You will also learn the words, “deal with it.”
5. If you believe that there will come a day when you will miss going out to bars and movies, may I set your mind at ease. You won’t miss those days, because the first thought you have when hiring a babysitter is, “does this mean I am free to go home and take a nap?”
6. You have not met stubborn until you are introduced to your own version of mini-me.
7. No matter how hard you work, the next door neighbor’s home will be nicer. As will their children.
8. Every surface of your home will have something unidentifiable on it. Your computer, your calculator, your television, your phone. You couch will have things growing in between the couch cushions, and your floors will always have that stain. Give it up, save your money.
9. Whatever you do, don’t piss off Grandma. She is your only saving grace.
10. Fathers will always believe that they are bringing as much to the table as mothers. Don’t fight it. Just nod your head.
11. Hire a therapist. They are truly the only ones who care. They won’t know what you are talking about, but luckily for you they see crazies all day – and you aren’t the worst of the bunch.
12. Take comfort in the days when your children decide they don’t like you. Trust me, it won’t last long enough.
13. Just because you love your children, doesn’t mean you can’t “accidentally” set all the clocks forward two hours so you can get some peace.
14. The mother’s laundry is always last to be washed. Doesn’t matter who puts it in the machine, it is simply a fact of life.
15. You will laugh inappropriately. Just try to remember that while the children are watching, you can still punish them for it.
16. The longer it takes to clean a house, the quicker it is messed up.
17. There is no such thing as peace and quiet. Even when they are sleeping, those little rascals are snoring.
18. Children will want to eat the weirdest things. Eventually, you must stop counting the vegetables on their plate. They really aren’t eating them anyway. And ice cream has calcium so it is perfectly fine for dinner.
19. No matter what you do, the children’s doctors, babysitters, teachers, friends (and their moms), neighbors, coworkers, dentists, Walmart cashiers will have an opinion on your child raising skills. And you will fail almost every time.
20. No matter how much advice you are given, no matter who or what your children are, there are some things that are inevitable. The children will rule your home. Your desire to be the boss is just a figment of your imagination.
I could come up with a thousand more. But we will save that for another time.