Sweet Annie

Tags

motheranddaughter

I been burning Bright
For so long I can’t remember
Pretty girls and late night bars seem to be my line of work
Believe me when I say, I can’t stay this high forever
This man’s had all he can stand, time to lay this body down

There are so many things I have begun to realize in this world; they were the lessons that begun the first day I felt my children’s prescence deep in the cells of my soul. They are the lessons every child of God wishes to learn; the truth of God himself. They are the lessons that go beyond basic math and English, and delve into worlds of mystics, fog, and hope.

I believe God often gives us our much needed lessons in irony. He tries to show us a way to be rewarded with the lesson through kindness, goodness and sometimes even laughter. A preacher picketing a born-again Christian. A sermon of love for all God’s children, then a late afternoon delight that no one can find humor in. I often think that within the world there is so incredible of a balance, God has no choice but move within it. Almost as if he rocks that balance to much with the straight truth this world would crumble to hide it.

But God also teaches us hope, teaches us wisdom, and He teaches about this amazing well of strength that we have deep inside of us. He gives to us those that can teach us these things and so much more. They teach it to us in their smiles, in their laughing eyes, and in the simple tears that fall.

Sweet Annie
Can I stay with you a while
Cause this roads been putting miles on my heart,
Sweetheart I’ve been livin in a fantasy
But one day Lightning will strike
And my bark will lose its bite
Don’t’ give up on me
Sweet Annie.

I have a Sweet Annie. I have a little girl with the softest hands and the most beautiful eyes. At three, she is my resting place, my favorite place to find. She has joy, an incredible lack of fear, and absolutely no need for distance from anyone. She is one of the few things in my life that is not a burden; the truth is I am probably a burden to her. She is one of the few things that can make me scream in the night, yet, I am an absolute comfort to her. She is the freedom that I will never find, and the possibility that has long since passed me. She never inspires resetment, she inspires within me hope. She never inspires anger, deep inside me she only inspires pride.

Sweet Annie
I know I promised you a life
But an empty bed and the words I said don’t carry any weight
If I could take back yesterday, Find a way to start it over
Turn around, put that bottle down and pray it’s not too late

There are days, thousands of nights of wishes for my Sweet Annie. Thousands of nights not in wonder of the child, but in wonder of all that the child is despite me. Thousands of nights full of wishes: for her to fly, for her to safely land, for her to dream, and for her to always, always know how to forgive. When the rain is pouring, it is like a curtain keeping her and I closer than drifts of wind, and I wish that I had the ability to secure her in my warmth for all of time. I wish that I could for one moment explain to her the difference between empty beds in life and empty beds in love.

I don’t want to teach her the darkness, the fear and truth that is close each and every day. I want to teach her that at the end of the day, the work, the journey is worth nothing without a safe place to land. I want to teach her about a safe place because in my mind it is that one dream that not attainable, however so important to hold onto. I want her to work not towards riches, beauty or the number of mentions in a rag mag; but to something beautiful, something soulful, something that will guarentee all that I can not give her – a safe place.

Sweet Annie.

The hardest part about having a Sweet Annie, is not the smiles, it is not the disappointments; it is the knowledge that for as much as my child may need me, I need them so much more. I need that kiss blowing across the morning to me, to ride with me on my daily journey. I need that beauty that isn’t from the clothes she wears but from the dancing leaps she makes while she sings songs that are just hers. I need the everyday happiness just to be, the simple joy in playing with a doll, the simple contentment from watching a Princess fly. I need her simplicity to counteract all my difficulty. Does she know how much I need to stay with her for just a moment? Just a second to give myself the strength to continue the fight?

Sweet Annie.

Turn out the light
These hands alone to hold you
Fall all over you
All over again
Come a little closer so I can show you
My heart still beats fast for you
All over, and over again

There is a terrible fight for a mother like me. A fight to show my child all that she is, all that she gives me, without demanding from her something she should never give. A terrible fight to show her that my heart beats solely for her soul, and while my heart needs her, there is nothing wrong if her soul doesn’t need me. There is nothing terrible about the knowledge that we are two beings, and except for those few moments she lived in me, were never met to be anything else. We were meant to find our own safe places, not to share them. We are mother and child, Sweet Annie. You are meant to fly, and I am meant to hold my breathe in anticpation. Until that day, I will just stay with you awhile, and hope you don’t give up on me.

Sweet Annie.