There is an old saying about not concentrating so hard on the future that you miss the present. I don’t know that I work that way. In every way that I function, I look closely for the future; I map it out, plan it and cut it up and reform it over and over again. Granted, the future that I plan is never the one I actually get, but there is an amazing amount of comfort for me in just the dreaming.
I plan everything. I plan what I will do if my husband suddenly dies; I plan what I will do if I come into a lot of money. I plan where my children will be in twenty years, and I plan where and how my home is going to one day look like. I plan shopping trips, music on the radio, bill payments, debt, life and love. And while, again, I am perfectly content with the knowledge that nothing I plan will actually come to bear, this is where I find happiness.
I am still living and trying to find my way under my mother’s roof. It still isn’t easy to find my space while competing with my mother’s style, sense of fun, and sense of responsibility. Neither my mother nor I are the same people we once were, even to the point of all those lessons she instilled in me so long ago, don’t necessarily match up to the lessons I have learned for myself.
So, with disappointment and sadness so close to my own reality I have turned to the future, and what it could look like if my dreams come true to get through these days. I have created accounts, I have perused the internet, and I am keeping my eye focused only on the possibilities.
I have created an account specifically designed to be used to build up my savings for a down payment on a home. The account is simply meant to be there; because I save money for all sorts of things. But there is an excitement tied to the idea that one day I will use that money for the house of my dreams, not the house I am forced to live in just to be. Maybe that five dollars I just put in there won’t buy me the fireplace I am longing for, but the future is vague enough that I can convince myself to say maybe.
I have started using pintrest like others use crack. It has, in a very short time, become my go-to, my addiction. There is something satisfying in picking out things that I like out of the thousands of options out there, and believing one day I can use those images to make myself or even my home beautiful. There is something magical in hoping that one day I can shed the skin I actually live in and create something new. Is is all going to happen? Am I always going to like what I see? Nah, but the feelings get me through today.
One of the healthier things I am doing is recognizing that I can’t have any future without getting rid of the debt. This is a difficult thing to plan as I still don’t have a job, but it is something I can hope for. My husband, as I have stated in previous posts, are in enormous debt. We have to get rid of it. And I want to get rid of it now. Problem lies in that I am normal, and despite the fact that I had enough stupidity to create the debt, I don’t have enough of the resources to take care of it. It sits there, day in and day out, mocking me for my stupidity; and then I look at the things that I always want and realize that the debt is the biggest barrier of them all. Beyond the fact that I don’t have a job, beyond the disease, or my own laziness, is that debt holding me back and slowly changing my dreams with the mere presence of time.
And then there are the house plans. I love to search for the perfect house plan. To be honest, I can’t find the perfect house plan. Even when I get close, there is always that little thing I would add, I would delete, I would move, I would change. That one thing that just won’t do. Maybe the closets aren’t big enough; maybe the porch is to small. Maybe the upstairs rooms don’t work with the downstairs size…these things can go on and on. But there is relaxation in the search; and fun in the change.
I have spent 800 words telling everyone what I love to do; not really my point. My point is this: find something to get you through today. Not my things, they might not work for you; but find something. Who cares if you miss parts of today in your search for your future? Who cares if you miss one moment in your search for the future? Every artist, every writer, every inspirational quote out there seems to say one thing: “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” Eleanor Roosevelt.