It is New Year’s Eve. I am sitting here calmly with my children and husband waiting until the time I can finally go to bed, and thinking about my last year – what else is there to do, watch those freezing people in NYC? And then I started thinking of all the possibilities for the next year. A friend of mine quoted recently, “I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, all it does is depress me when I fail.”
So, I resolve this year not to make resolutions – now that I think about it, the last time I probably made a resolution was when I was sixteen and didn’t know myself for the lazy and self-absorbed human being that I am. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t have hopes, or wishes, or dreams for the future.
Like millions of readers out there, my 2013 was tough. My marriage almost fell apart, I was taught lessons about my family, my sense of self, and the world around me I could have done without, and I moved many states away from my home in the vain idea that I could “start over” or at least make it all better…it hasn’t yet.
So let’s start with my hopes. My hopes revolve completely around my children – they are the be all and end all for me. I did not understand love or even who and what I was until they came into my life. Before my children were born I was a typical egotistical, know-it-all, who didn’t care about anything but my own stupid self. This isn’t a put down, truthfully, everyone who has never seen their child giggle in pure pleasure has no concept of the important things…and even then some don’t.
So my hope for this year is that my children remain healthy and safe. That they continue to learn the important lessons – those that will make them light up and those that will cause tears. I hope that God continues to watch over them, guide them, and occasionally shine a ray of light down upon them to give them a glimpse of the path they should travel. I have no need, nor do I waste my hope that God will do the same for me – I have no problem muddling through – if he will simply and completely ignore me for them. I have said this often, here and almost nightly in my prayers.
Let’s talk wishes. Since I refuse to disappoint myself with resolutions, hopes, dreams and wishes are the best I can hope for. I doubt these things will come true the way I am now fantasizing, but a girl can hope, wish and dream. So my wish is simple – I hope that all the faith and luck I sent out in the universe comes back tenfold.
This past year, as I mentioned, my world collapsed. My marriage came to that point when I had to seriously consider whether I would continue in it, and my life went from one direction to a completely other. It was a tough year. Learning that the one thing that you pledge, the only person you promised yourself was worth the risk could destroy you so completely was not something I would wish on you, dear reader. It sucks. I learned that my marriage could be destroyed, despite the fact I was told it numerous times and never quite saw how. So what did I do? I packed up my family, quit my job (and my husband quit his) and we moved multiple states away. Was a move of desperation – in many ways. Sitting here wondering how I am going to pay my bills was it worth it – in many ways. If I had a time machine would I go back – in many ways.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. You don’t get to go back. You don’t get do overs, and I am not sure that I would do it if I could. I would like a crystal ball so I knew if this would all work out or not, but somehow I don’t think that is in the cards.
So my wishes are simple. I wish that 2014 brings me and my family security and comfort. Jobs, the selling of my home (far, far away) and a fresh start. It is a simple wish but one that would have overwhelming consequences. I don’t expect my problems in debt to go away and I don’t expect my children will be perfect angels. I don’t expect that my husband will finally quit drinking, despite all the issues it has caused, and I don’t expect to turn into that model wife/mother that always has the nicest house and the laundry done every day.
But I wish that whatever fate is out there, that the days when we finally begin to move forward in this family come really quickly. It is time, and I know that it will probably get much worse before it gets better, at least I can send this out into the universe and wish.
My dreams, unlike my hopes and wishes, are completely selfish. I believe that they should be. I believe that our dreams should be completely our own – possibly shared, but never given to another. They should be the things that late at night we can hold onto, what we can refine and change as we need. And they should be exactly what it is that we want – not what we need, but what we want.
Dreams don’t need realism, they don’t need truth, or even practicality. They don’t need to fit in the reality of your budget, your actual physical space, nor what the scientific community determines is possible. It should be something that deep in you, gives you comfort. It should be something that deep in you, gives you the moment of escapism that one needs to continue in this hellish life. It should be something that is yours.
Therefore, I am not going to sit here and explain my dreams. I don’t need to, you have enough of your own. I would end this post with saying something like you actually have to get out of the bed to make your dreams come true, but I am too lazy. Instead I will smile secretly at my dreams, and continue on.
I hope that each of you finds in this next year your hopes, your wishes and most importantly your dreams.