I am not an overly religious person. I don’t believe that God needs me in a church pew each Sunday to know where I am and what is in my heart. I don’t believe that one can take historical fact and apply it to the Bible; to me the Bible is good stories that can serve as a guideline of sorts. And I sincerely beg each and every day that God will ignore me in favor of my children. That is the kind of religious person that I am; and I find comfort from it. I need to be able to use my whole heart, soul and mind to find a way to speak and have a relationship with God.
But every once in awhile, that Being has a way to slap me on the face with his presence. Not everyday, only when I need to be truly reminded that he is right there. I truly believe that I miss most of his signs in my busy and somewhat stressful world, but then I get a bitch slap across my face declaring in bold words that he is in fact right where I need him.
This week my husband and I are having money trouble. We don’t have jobs, we don’t have any income coming in; and while we have some savings left it is slowly dwindling. Money doesn’t last forever. I knew that this was coming…I knew that my decisions would mean that the road I am choosing to travel would get much worse before it got better; but I had my faith and my belief that what I choose would ultimately bring those that I love most in this world exactly where they should be. I took a chance, and even sitting here I don’t regret it. Sometimes the grand gestures are the only way to make it better – and trust me, it needed to be better.
So my bank account this week is pathetically low. Scary low for a girl who remembers just two months ago what being comfortable felt like. I have never been rich, but I have been able to pay my bills and keep my credit rating high.
I sent my husband to the store to buy heavy whipping cream. Not really strange, something I have asked of him in the past. I like it in my coffee. Yes, I know how bad it is for me, but that alternative, namely Starbucks, is too expensive for me right now. My husband responded to me with a text. It was a picture of the grocery store shelves, showing the price tag of heavy whipping cream but no product to choose from; they were out. This did not upset me as much as confuse me, but I easily moved on with my life.
I wouldn’t even be telling this story, because who really cares about the day to day life I lead, but for what happened the next morning. I woke up, after a horrible night of not sleeping and having my bipolar mess with my head as it can, to one dollar in my bank account. ONE DOLLAR.
And then my husband pointed out a truth I would never had noticed otherwise; had he bought the heavy whipping cream, our account would have been overdrawn, and I would have been paying large fees just to get my coffee. Now I am an avid coffee drinker, drinking it morning and afternoon, but not even Starbuck’s coffee is worth overdraft fees.
I choose to think that was God. Maybe it seems silly that God would prevent me from getting my coffee only to save a buck, but I look at it much differently. I don’t think God cares if my bank account is overdrawn; and I truly believe he doesn’t care how much coffee I really drink nor what kind of creamer I use. I think God took a moment to remind me when I am suffering so much that he will still be there.
He didn’t do it secretly nor was he, in an egotistical attempt to draw attention to himself, trying to remind me that he is the be all and end all. He can’t give me money and he can’t make my troubles disappear; in my mind that isn’t his job. What he can do is remind me that I am special and worthy enough to be part of his heart. He can gently let me know that he hasn’t forgotten me, and therefore in this fight, I am not alone. He can prove not his worth, but my own and to remind me that life isn’t about coffee creamer but about the hopes, dreams, and sometimes risks we take in the name of love.
He is foremost my father. My companion deep at night when the shadows play havoc with my soul. He is my friend, my confidante, and ultimately my biggest supporter. He created me not to be afraid, but to learn. He created me not to judge, but to love. He created me not to blindly follow Him, but to see Him.
I am sure there are billions of people out there who would disagree with me on who and what God is; and I find that perfectly right. God is big enough and strong enough to be whoever it is that we need. In the end, he and only he will determine if the paths we have chosen are righteous and true; and if the people we become, despite all the pain and unfairness, despite all the darkness and true light, are good. Not worthy, there is never a question of worth, but goodness.
I don’t know what God thinks of me; I don’t know if God ever thinks of me. What I know is that by running out of heavy whipping cream, I feel like He is sending a love note. I feel like He is reminding me that He is right there, exactly where I need him to be.
I will forever buy heavy whipping cream with a glad heart. I will forever remember this moment, and will find a way to immortalize it for myself, in ways other than this writing. Not because I am grateful that He saved me a few dollars, but because He saved me in ways only I need to count.