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balanceI believe strongly in karma.  I have seen former friends and even employees get their just rewards too many times not to believe in it.  I don’t believe everyone gets what they deserve, I truly don’t believe the universe works that way.  But I believe that it works in strange and oftentimes seemingly difficult ways that can not be understood.  Once truly has to walk through this life with their head held high, kindness in their heart, and faith in their soul.  (What to have faith in is completely at ones discretion)

If you have ever read my blog you know that I recently moved and am currently looking for a job so that my family and I can get out of my mother’s house and move on with our life.  I knew that it was the right decision the moment I made it; but I also knew that it would be one of the hardest periods in my life.  And karma, that fickle woman, listened to be when I said over and over, “it is going to get worse before it gets better” and made sure of it.

She (karma) didn’t hurt me physically and she hasn’t caused any problems I won’t recover from – yet – but she sure seems to be having fun.  For instance, in order to get a job I need a computer that works with Microsoft Office; it is really difficult if not impossible to send a resume without it.  So my computer of course choose now to quit working.  And of course, my mother’s computer only has the internet and a Microsoft Office reader…perfect.  And of course, the only way to apply for jobs is using a computer.  I could go on, but you get the idea.

Getting a new, working computer is expensive when you are looking at no income coming in.  Organizations like Dell won’t let you have credit without a job.  And my resume has a grammatical error right in the middle of it.

I can obviously go to the library and get this all done, but these days to send out one resume takes literally an hour.  AN HOUR.  You have to go through fifteen hoops, multiple pages and of course there are always these tests that I seem to get stuck doing…questions like “do you agree or disagree that working in a diverse team is important?”

Again, because we are talking about karma, I want it to be well known that she hasn’t done anything to me that I can’t recover from.  But it always amazes me that not once, in the six years that I had that computer and a JOB, did she once cause this much trouble.  Why is that?  Why is at a moment that life seems increasingly difficult, that I am having trouble with the one thing I need to make it more manageable?

And you have to ask yourself, what’s next?  What else is going to happen? Tomorrow when I wake up will my car refuse to start or worse will one of my children get sick?   Will the IRS come calling or will I get another email telling me that I am not worthy to work at so and so company?  The questions are endless; the possibilities are endless.

There is nothing one can do in this scenario expect wait it out.  I know with all my heart that everything is going to be better than it was; I know that moving my family was the right thing.  But you in this life one must suffer.

If I look back on my life I realize that I have suffered pretty regularly. Deaths, acts of violence, loss of jobs, and let us never forget this beautiful disease God has given me.  Mother Theresa once said, “I know He wouldn’t give me anything that I couldn’t handle; I just wish he didn’t think I was this strong.” (Okay that probably wasn’t quoted exactly but many of you know to what I am referring.)

I feel like that.  I sometimes wonder if God keeps knocking me down because he believes that I can keep getting up?  And do I keep getting up because I am actually stronger or because there is no other choice?  And is there no other choice because I won’t allow one?

The truth is I am tired most days.  I look over my life, at all the events that are completely out of my control and wonder at what point its going to be just a bit too much? Losing a computer doesn’t quite compare to the this disease that God gifted me with, but work with me…my brain immediately keeps going in these directions. The truth is I don’t know about God, karma, fate, or even luck.  I just know that despite the decisions I do and not make, something in this world keeps me going and something in my life tries to stop me from every moving.

It is almost like opposing forces, my will and the will of all negativity and bad things in this world.  Are humans supposed to simply be going forward in the life they are given, and there is an opposing force determined to stop them?  We know that the opposing force sometimes wins, but does it direct its energies to one person at a time or the whole world?

If you look at nature, math, and even history you will see that everything is balanced.  Yen and Yang, black and white, up and down.  Everything has a corresponding opposite.  I have written about this numerous times.

So does all the ups that I feel bring the downs?  Does all the great times come with the bad?  And at what point to get I get to feel myself balanced further towards the light and away from the dark?  Is this what life is about?  The balance of force?

If it is, then I suppose it is much more darkness for me.  I hope, one day long from now, God will greet me at his pearly gates and say to me, “Nice job.  Library and coffee is on the right.”