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awakeThis last year I have been searching – see previous post.  I have been looking deep into my own soul to try to figure out who and what that I am.  It is an ongoing journey that I started years ago; and what always amazes me is that who and what I am and what I learn on this journey continues to grow and change.

It is hard to understand who and what you are. It is hard to figure out how much of what we do is because life has determined our path and how much of life we have worked for in order to be happy.  There is so much that seems we do to make others happy or to give others the life that they have dreamed of.  We do it without thought, without planning, and we do it because we have been programmed to do so.

I go back to all those websites, all those blogs that state that we should also take care of ourselves.  There are little quotes and long discourses not only on what we should do to take care of ourselves but the health benefits and the life long savings we can achieve.

But it isn’t to take care of ourselves.  It is hard to remember except late at night when the world finally quiets enough that our own thoughts can be heard that we see and feel the dreams that are buried so far beneath us.

I am the first to admit that there are dreams that are on the surface of our lives.  They don’t mean as much and usually are easily attained; they are the electronics that would make our lives easier but just a little out of our pocket’s reach.  Or they are so easily attained that only our own laziness keeps us from following through to them; they are the trips to museums or trying a local restaurant.

We all have a tendency to defeat ourselves when it comes to dreams.  We all seem quite capable of being able to put up roadblocks whether real or imaginary throughout this journey.  We forget about our dreams in favor of beliefs of inadequacies, or in the belief that there is something else we should be doing.  We create a world of laziness because the fear of failing and not attaining our dreams is too real.  We create a world of excuses out of the belief that we shouldn’t or simply cannot do something for ourselves.  We don’t follow our dreams because the dreams are too far from our current reality to seem possible.  They are our carnival of strange sights and bright lights. They are our life’s biggest regrets.

I know that I don’t follow my dreams.  I know I don’t follow my dreams because I am too afraid.  I worry about hurting those who have stood beside me for so long in this dismal world I live in and I worry about giving away that which is safest for the possibility of a moment.  To give away a life for a possible moment, a possible second of perfection, becomes the elephant in the corner and the rock we simply cannot bring ourselves to climb.

Because dreams can last only a moment.  We may get all that we wish to have in this life; we may work like we have never worked before and our dreams will only last long enough for us to recognize that we have finally made it.  And once we have that second, that second to realize all the we have, it can be taken away from us and we are left in the dust of our dreams.

There is a price we must pay for our dreams.  There is always a moment of absolute horror that we must also have in order to feel the beauty of our dreams. Nothing is free; nothing is sacred.  Nothing is allowed without the payment of something else, and the bigger the dream, the bigger the payment.  The more we work, the more we sweat and find the path that we feel we are destined to travel, the more we have to lose.  Because despite all of the gifts, we can’t ignore this truth.

I sit here thinking about my dreams and wonder exactly what it is that I am willing to give up.  I am hardly able to give up three dollars for free shipping at Amazon, so how can I give up all that I have to get a dream.  There is no way around what I will lose and there is no way to salvage the dream and live the life. I must give up on or the other. I must find my peace in the lesser of all possibilities.

Despite those sayings, despite all others do to pull you up or all others write encouragingly to make you look at things differently there is still the reality of truth to deal with.  It doesn’t matter how much you want or what you want, life is a balance that will never go in your favor completely. It is not possible to have all you dream; not today.

Some would say that I am not thinking of all the possibilities; and some would say that giving up something would be healthy.  Some would say that there is a time and a place for all things and that I cannot sit in this life and wait for it.  And some would say that dreams are not meant to be found; just because you made a choice in your twenties does not mean that you can now ignore the reap.

The truth is that you cannot ignore the reap that you have sown.  You cannot ignore the very real world that you have built to follow some dream that may cost you not your life but the happiness and contentment of others. Dreams are for children who fight mysterious pirates and watch princess for clues to happily ever after.  Dreams are for those who cannot reconcile the life ones chooses with the life one wants. Dreams are to be brought out deep in the night, lived, and then put back in their box for another time.