I am not very good at doing things in preparation for the main event. I just want to walk on that beach with a healthy, good-looking body – no need for the workout beforehand. I just want to write the book, never spend hours doing the research required to make it somewhat believable – they are fiction books. I want the baby without the pregnancy. I want the correct answer, the correct emotional verbiage before the question is asked.

Despite what many think of me, I am completely knowledgeable in the ways this world works. I know that nothing comes for free, I know that nothing comes easy, and I know that the risks being determined must meet the qualifications of the desired finish. I get all that. I promise that I do. The trouble is, I can’t find in myself the desire to prepare for an event. I can’t bring myself to try and understand even the previous occupants long journey to his own glory.

I make it a point to constantly look deep within myself and try to understand what it is that makes me the person that I am. I research such things as numerology, astrology, the Chinese calendar because I hope that there are simple answers in there to explain the complex and rather dramatic – read unpredictable – person that I am. I believe self-awareness is the secret to greatness. I believe that it is the reason we see people being revered in text and others who live a mundane life of the stereotypical soccer mom.

One of my greatest weaknesses is this desire to walk into a room and to have everything set to my specifications and to my expectations. One of my greatest weaknesses is this desire to eliminate the constant need to prepare myself for events that may or may not happen but rather simply find myself right in the middle of it. I am not good with the hours, days, weeks leading up to an event. I truly can only be good once the event is about 3/4th of the way done.

This is a tough notion for my friends. Often it causes me to make plans, or break plans, at the last minute. And even if I join my friends for the event that has been planned, I literally can’t bring my head into focus enough to understand the situation until the event is almost over. And there are consequences to this – I can’t drink for one. Truthfully I have never been able to hold my liquor but what I have learned is that this is mostly because I am so overwhelmed and usually disappointed about the event I choose to participate in that I don’t pay attention. And not paying attention to tequila consumption is a recipe for a rough night.

There are things that you can’t prepare yourself for. And I also recognize this. A friend showing up at the door unannounced crying isn’t something that ever occurred in those textbooks they made me read in high school. A husband coming home after a long day, hurting those around him isn’t something that you prepare yourself for; those situations you just live through. So I get this point, even if I don’t like it.

I understand that life is unpredictable and the only way to mitigate some of the situations is to prepare yourself. Do research, visit the location ahead of time, make the decision not to drink before going in. But when you understand unpredictably and you understand that you are not one to prepare yourself for the next big thing, you lie in this corner of the world that comes at you in a thousand directions and slowly realize that there is no viable answer.

I will never be the gal that can prepare herself for life. Sitting and thinking about life gets me in too much trouble. I start seeing all the scenarios that can go wrong. I start to see all the little details that can destroy an evening and move it into the realm not of unpredictably but uncontrollably. I prepare for events by making sure that I have a plan for everything that could happen. I prepare by making sure if there is anything in the world that might happen I am ready and waiting for it. And this, my friends, ruins a moment.

Basically ruining the moment is what I do. I can’t prepare for it or the moment will be ruined. And I can’t be spontaneous because that will ruin the moment. I can’t be prepared and I can’t be unpredictable. So instead I live in a sort of limbo of nothing. I don’t walk out that door because I am neither prepared for the consequences nor am I willing to admit that I have no idea where I am going.

Where does this leave one? Sitting in a crowd, with her head down, hoping and praying that she can walk through her own door as soon as humanly possible.

But I have hundreds of things I want to do on my bucket list. Where is the middle? Where is the ability to enjoy life without distorting it with my own personality? Let’s start somewhere easier, how do I get to the gym so that I can have that bikini body I always wanted? How do I find the friend that understands this great quandary and takes my hand and pulls me through it?

Like most things in my life there really isn’t an answer. A clash between common sense and personality is bloody and probably should be avoided. Like the gym a block away, it should just be put away as an option. And who knows, maybe I will get lucky and find someone who can overlook my own self to help me bring my bucket list alive.