, , , , , ,

HortaThe world knows that falling to one’s knees is as normal as one’s lungs searching for air. The world knows that destroying the exquisite is as necessary as loving one’s own child. The world knows that losing is often the same as winning. The world knows that each of us must find our own path, our own balance, in a night that brings such loneliness that we forget all that surrounds us. The world knows that the light always brings the dark; the compassion always brings the fear, the disappointment always brings the knowledge of reality.

I often preach to my children the importance of balance. The idea that for every up there is a down is an important truth. Understanding that there is a ying and a yang, a black for a white, a heat to a cold. It is important to understand that this world will always balance itself because it is the only way it can continue to exist and thrive. You can’t have a half of one thing and survive.

It’s an important lesson because it teaches us that even at our lowest point, that point that this world has chosen for us, is not the end. There will be the balance of the high. After the fall there is a way to fly.  When one dies another is born. These aren’t only extremely necessary lessons for the children but often can hold even the strongest of us. Does it always help? No. Is it always necessary to believe this? No. Can it give comfort? I supposed that solely depends on where you are in your grief.

And when I speak of grief I am not usually speaking of death. Try telling a grieving mother that the world balances; I dare you. Try telling a grieving wife that for her husband’s death there will be a birth; I dare you. If you do decide to lose all your brain cells in one day and do try to tell a mother that this world balances I would highly suggest you run. Instead of using this with grief the idea the world balances is for those who need to see beyond the moment that they are in. It is those times when your loved ones notice that this world can be less than what we dream it to be when the hope that things have to get better, because life demands it, that this lesson is important. It is the times when the times are so bleak that we need to hold onto all the possibilities that this lesson is most useful.

I have spent a great deal of my life dealing with the horrible side of this world. For some reason I hope a higher power will one day explain why I was given the short end of the stick in this life. I was given the pain and sickness that would fail a hospital’s greatest doctor. I was given the ups and downs of mental illness to the point that by this writing I can’t see the light for the darkness. I was given a personality that lacks the strength to combat the voices in my head. I was given a personality that lacks the ability to do anything but say how sorry I am, that I have no excuses, and that all I wish is for that day when it all ends. I was given a depressing life.

Don’t get me wrong there are some exquisite things in my life. But the world knows that destroying the exquisite is as necessary as loving one’s own child. In the exquisite column of my life lies the names of my children and my husband. In that column lies the friends that try so hard to hold me when the pieces are falling apart. In those sectors are the people who don’t walk out on me. In those sectors are the people who have pushed so hard for the trust that I hate giving away. There aren’t enough of them to combat the darkness but I would be absolutely remiss if I didn’t mention that my life isn’t always searching for anyone to love me. And while it is often miserable trying to remember all the good things that I have; it is often very easy to dismiss them and roll over to the next nightmare.

But no matter if I look at the exquisite moments in my life, the exquisite points I have to hold onto, the world knows that it must balance itself.  No matter if the day is dark or the music is light there is an understanding that what comes next isn’t the end but it is very much the loss of the beginning. There is so few who matter, so few truths that actually define the tomorrow that I hope to have to hold, so few lovers that will find their way to the importance of my love. The is no hope that for every split second of clarity there contains an ocean of depth that can be trusted.

The mysterious and dark world contains a slight hope that the balance of darkness is light. For every wish we make in the depth of our dreams lies the realization that there may be a bigger nightmare to traverse first.

I have an amazing capacity to pray, to hope, to feel jealously for those I love. I need them to have a balanced life because I can’t give them a perfect one. I need them to find happiness because there is nothing in this world I can give that looks like it. I need those I hold to feel the love of those who surround them; I need them to exist in a world that doesn’t need forgiveness. I need to them to understand that with my jealousy comes this hope that they will be all that I never will be; not to them, not to me, not to the world changing with a constant inhaling of breath. I need those I adore to be more than me.

Because although this world strives to balance itself, to find its answers in the big and little, in the strange and familiar, in the glorious and the mundane, there will never be that same equilibrium in the pieces of me. There is no balance for my life; the darkness and the world’s worst have destroyed my own voice to the point where it pains me to even think about singing. The world may know how to balance, but somewhere along the way it forgot that I too was standing so still on that balance beam waiting for the next day.