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220px-Nytimage001I have a lot of time on my hands these days. Unfortunately for the world at large this does not mean that I am doing great things like volunteering, writing my next book, nor am I showing my child the beauties of this world.  I am in a holding pattern that is made worse by the mindset I can’t seem to pass, and the sheer about of fear I have that my life will somehow always be exactly this way.

In the past, and even to some extent now, I have always turned to books.  There is something about that magical world that requires very little thought but a great deal of hope that comforts me.  I can be the person I need to be in those books rather than the somewhat dismal and pathetic being that I actually am.

But these days I have found another obsession.  I have found Pintrest.  Before you roll your eyes at the whole ridiculousness of it – and I freely acknowledge that it is somewhat ridiculous – I am always somewhat dismayed by some of the pins on this site.  Crude humor, fitness go-tos promising everything from thinner thighs to better arms, seem like a shortcut to the real work.  I can’t and will never wear half the outfits those people have on, I will not travel to the vast majority of those places, and let’s be honest, I will never have a mansion.

I don’t “Repin” recipes that seem just a little out of my reach not only in terms of ingredients but sheer time, and I don’t bother with DIY shampoo when quite frankly no matter the cost difference I like that which I can buy at my local Wal-Mart…call me a rebel.  The site is full of sayings that sometimes don’t make sense, and of course there is enough bridal and new baby stuff to make you wonder if the world is about to radically change.

I look at the little things.  The ideas that would never occurred to me – take a window squeegee to get pet hair out of carpets.  The sites and further information that will be useful and could possibly one day be the answer to my questions.  I like the cute ideas for great gifts (cheap) and the outfits I could put together at Wal-Mart.  These are the things that make me happy; and you sometimes have to dig to find them.  On an aside, loyal readers, know that I have no issue with those who like to look at each thing as the next best thing in their life.

And every once in awhile I come across something that just works for me… Today there was a saying staring me right in the face and it was one of those moments that worked.  It said, “Stop chasing what your mind wants and you’ll get what your soul needs.” Go ahead, take a moment if you need one – it hit me that hard.  And then the next slap came when I realized I had no idea what that meant.

I am often questioning my soul.  I am not even sure if I will like what my soul needs.  What if my soul needs broccoli or jalapenos or some sort of mud-pie from my childhood? Or worse, what if my soul needs that really ugly sweater that my mother swears will look great on me?  There are so many things in this world that my soul could need and I shudder at the idea of some of those things.

We don’t know much about the soul, although it has been written about long before a man named Jesus walked this earth, and it has been studied by artists, writers and some of the greatest minds of this generation and the next. (By the way, despite Dan Brown’s popular book there has never been physical proof of a soul – just in case you were wondering).  However, I like to believe there is a thing, a substance, just a little bit of magic that makes us unique.  It doesn’t really define us in the same way that the mind does, and it doesn’t necessarily work, certainly not in the way the body does.  But it is there resting comfortably, never screaming or crying, but rather just waiting.  Kind of like a finger print.

But imagine if it was a real thing that had needs, hopes, wants, desires, things that would make it complete, like a mate. I imagine in many ways I would have long ago disappointed my soul – I am too lazy to go after my dreams, or maybe I just don’t have the guts.

What I do know is that I hope that there is a soul, and I hope that I can give it what it needs in the most ethereal sense. If my soul creates my passion, than I hope that I can find ways to feed it until it weighs so much science is knocked over its head with the truth.  If my soul creates my knowledge, than I hope that I can find ways to feed it until the Library of Alexander looks like an inconsequential footnote in history.  If my soul creates love, well that one I have covered with my kids; trust me I have enough love for those children to make cupid put down his arrows.

But how do I quiet my mind?  How do I get past my mental road blocks to even determine what it is that my soul needs?  I have tried yoga, and while that certainly can quiet my mind for brief periods of time, it certainly doesn’t reveal the universe inside of me just waiting for a brief acknowledgement. My mind is a roller coaster of complete chaos that goes here and there and to paraphrase Dr. Seuss, everywhere.  It doesn’t stop just because I meditating, just because I am sleeping, it doesn’t stop when I hopped up on medications for some new issue my doctors have decided I now have.

I imagine everyone has questioned mind versus soul.  I doubt I was the first and I know that I won’t be the last.  It is a paradox that makes one almost have to believe that only a being with perfection is able to create a human.  Most days I truly don’t know what my mind is doing, so I worry about the idea that I am supposed to listen to my soul – or at least shut up my mind long enough to allow my soul free.

I will continue to look for my inspiration and continue to hope that those little sayings, pictures, thoughts in life that give me that very real ping and take my breath away will keep coming until I can figure this all out.  In the meantime, soul…sorry, I think you are going to have to just wait a little longer.