There is no cure for the mind. It is a vast ocean of discontent and strange purple elephants. It is the thing that builds us, destroys us, and takes us on journey unlike any life can offer. The diseases that ravage the mind are not understood, nor are they ever sane. They are a combination of everything good and evil that this world has to offer, and all we can do is close our eyes in the darkness and seek the light.
A Different Depression – May 2024
No matter how many times life throws you a silent and deadly curve, it always has one more. Life doesn’t stop punching, and it’s a lesson I learned many years ago. This time it threw me a punch I actually saw coming. I didn’t know it was coming but once it was in front of my face, I knew it was going to hurt. In my life, that is life.
It’s All So Different – February 2024
About a week ago, approximately when I stopped writing, I began to notice the slow and inevitable dive down. If you know anything about mental illness than you know that no matter how good you feel one day, it isn’t going to last. That’s not how these diseases work. It’s a journey of ups and downs; and you have to reconcile that with everything else going on in your head each and every day. There are no guarantees, there are no promises, except that today won’t look like tomorrow.
I learned to ignore, pretend, and bury. I buried everything. I once had a wonderful doctor ask me how it was that I was capable of walking. When I asked what he meant, he told me he wondered how I could walk when I bury so many things deep, deep, inside of myself. If I buried not only the good things but the bad things, if I didn’t process all the things that happens in a lifetime, wouldn’t I eventually not be able to walk with the weight? It would be like concrete shoes on a gangster.
And Behind This Door – January 2024
I find it strange that I can see this door, and feel this door, in ways that I rarely have been able to do in the past. Maybe it is the new energy, the new attention, the new belief that I have that makes the possibilities behind this new door frightening. I find it strange that I have opened hundreds of doors in my life, dealt with the new realities, and continued on; but this one has paralyzed me in a way.
A New Discovery – January 2024
Going from one extreme to another isn’t something new in mental health. It kind of defines it. Those of us with these diseases know about mania and depression. We know about binges and diets of deserts. We know about the highs of feeling like we can take on the world and the sure knowledge that we aren’t supposed to even be in this world. We know that these swings aren’t crazy, they aren’t nebulous, they aren’t even something that could never happen; they are simply part of the disease.
The Future Holds – January 2024
The truth is that for me, a person with severe mental illnesses, the future is always the most scariest void to even picture. I have survived my past and have the scars to prove that. I am doing what I need to do today to get through whatever is going on in my life. But the future, the future is full of possibilities. And if my past is any guide, and it always is, those possibilities don’t include rainbows, winning lots of money, of in anyway finding a way to sustain happiness. My life doesn’t work that way; it hasn’t since the moment I was first diagnosed mentally ill.
The holidays are over. Another year. The wrapping paper is in the trash, the trees are down, the kids are back in school. And all I can say is that I survived, mostly. That’s my wrap-up, I almost survived. I took some knocks, couldn’t find my way back up, but I survived. This year was simply so different than any other I have experienced.
Past the Past – Originally Posted December 2023
Every year, around this time, I take the time to reflect on where I am and where I want to go; I have written about it many times. Usually, I am in bed, with the windows dark, listening to my music and reflecting on the truth that my life hadn’t changed.
Stress Time! – Originally Posted December 2023
It’s that time of year. The time of year when books, magazine articles, our social media feeds all decry not that it’s the best time of the year but that it is the most stressful time of year. And unfortunately for all of us, they aren’t wrong
Origins of Fear – Originally Posted December 2023
I have understood fear since I was very little. I can unequivocally state that I probably have a more intimate relationship with fear than most people will ever know; certainly people that I know. It has ruled my life. It has ruled my life in small, insignificant ways and ways that literally defined who and what I am.
December 2023
November 2023
The Original Posts
October 2022
May 2022
April 2022
March 2022
January 2022
March 2021
September 2020
May 2020
April 2020
Ladies and Gents, It’s Another
March 2020
February 2020
January 2020
Winning in Small and Slow Ways
December 2019 – The Understanding of My Time
December 2019 – A Demand for Yourself
November 2019 –Light and The Journey
November 2019 – The Obstacle and The Path
October 2019 – A Way Out of My Norm
October 2019 – Done for the Day
October 2019 – Truly, Madly, Sickly
October 2019 – Something About the Somethings
October 2019 – The Problem Child
August 2019 – Trying to Hope
August 2019 – Through The Mirror
August 2019 – Don’t Cry, Don’t Cry, Don’t…
July 2019 – Walk Through The Door
July 2019 – Walk Through The Door
July 2019 – One Decision, A Million Consequences
July 2019 – Misery From All Directions
Okay, That’s Just Ridiculous – Originally Posted November 2015
I spent today doing my normal chores and adding in the once a week and once a month, and even the once in a blue moon chores as well. So while now my house is clean and my car smells nice there is once again little for me to say. I took a nap and once again experienced cognitive dreaming, but other than that my life is in either a really high state so that I have nothing to write or I am in the dreaded writer’s block.
Find A Spot – Originally Posted April 2015
I am not a very smart person. I don’t have degrees and initials after my name and I have never had to write a dissertation on a topic that I have no interest in. I live in many ways a very simple life. I live in patterns; over and over again the same feelings, the same frustrations, the same moments of impotency rears its ugly face. I don’t change my behavior day to day anymore than my disease allows me to be the outwardly same person day to day. Despite the world’s fascination with a disease that they can’t understand, for the most part I understand all to well.
The Joys of Being Upside Down – Originally Posted January 2015
Being bipolar has its moments I suppose. There is a certain joy in being what we in the business call high as a kite because those are the days that I can literally fly to the moon and back. They are the days that I am present. They are the days the house gets spring cleaned and the children get a mother that is engaged. They are the days my husband gets some loving. CONTINUE READING…
A Child Disappears – Originally Posted February 2013
Have you ever had an urge? An urge for chocolate, for cigarettes, for that one sip of alcohol? Have you ever lived with that urge until it began to consume your mental thoughts? You become in such need of that rich, sweet, taste of chocolate that nothing, I mean literally nothing will do but to find that exact taste. CONTINUED READING…
A Traveling Carnival – Originally Posted January 2013
I am having a bad day. And strangely it has nothing to do with the disease. I am having a normal bad day; bank account looking scary, child forgot book bag, boss on my ass. Such normal sucky things, that I find for the most kind of reassuring. It means that my act, my desire to appear normal may be working. CONTINUE READING…
The Illusion of Bliss – Originally Posted November 2012
My husband asked me last night if I would enjoy going away into the woods for a couple of months, and have a chance to stop take my meds for a while. My violent and somewhat immediate response was, no. (HELL NO!!! – was what it really sounded like) CONTINUE READING…
Forgiveness in Our Finale – Originally Posted December 2012
I have been born, I have a body and I have died. I have lived a life of repentance and sorrow, and I have never asked for forgiveness. There are certain things in this world that cannot be forgiven, and those that have committed such crimes against their own soul will find it hard to find forgiveness. There are times when we must accept that actions we have committed in the name of all that is vain, cannot be forgiven by a simple man dying on a cross. CONTINUE READING…
Burdens on The Shoulders – Originally Posted December 2012
I learned something about myself this weekend. It could be that by talking about some of the issues that I struggle with through this blog, I am able to make room for some of the more profound truths that I must struggle with. Like any disease, these mental diseases cause a vast amount of struggle that destroys the natural energy our souls use to exist. CONTINUE READING…
A Burden of Truth – Originally Posted November 2012
This disease has many facets; many different turns and functions that at times are interesting but for the most part are just exhausting. I suffer through the reality of bi-polar each and everyday, and I deal with it in the only way I know how. CONTINUE READING…
Other Readings
Misery From All Directions – July 2019
Justifying What is True – July 2019
The Bravery That Destroys – July 2019
Balance – July 2019
Respecting My Own – July 2019
Fear, Exhaustion, and Desire – February 2019
The Discarded Kitchen – January 2019
Broken Edges – January 2019
Being Better Then Me – November 2018
Diving Into Emotional Chaos – November 2018
A Perfect Daydream – October 2018
Being Treated – August 2018
The Record – June 2018
Off The Rails – May 2018
Watching Them – May 2018
The Diagnosis – May 2018
And The Wind Blows – May 2018
And Sometimes, You Fail – May 2018
Death by Circumstances – April 2018
FINALLY!!! – March 2018
Accept The Delusions – January 2018
Severe Damage – January 2018
Swings On a Playground – December 2017
Hiding in Your Sight – December 2017
Batteries are Dead – May 2017
Understanding The Grey – May 2017
Dear Grandma, – April 2017
Blind Spot – March 2017
Writing the Insane – March 2017
Battles of Note – March 2017
Wavy Waverings – February 2017
Hope – February 2017
Power of Darkness – January 2017
I Rise, I Fall – January 2017
Trusting Doc – January 2017
Once You Got It – January 2017
Is It Necessary? – January 2017
Conflicting Bindings – January 2017
Not Yet; Not There Yet – January 2017
That Gleaming Steel Knife – November 2016
I Stepped in Poop – October 2016
Permission To Destroy My Own Self – September 2016
Man Versus Disease – September 2016
Because of Them – September 2016
Learning More – September 2016
The Kinfolk – August 2016
The Savior of Normal – July 2016
Assimilating Differences – July 2016
An Invisible Mind – July 2016
Giving Up on Hope Slowly – July 2016
Thorns In Your Hand – July 2016
Dancing For The Red Flag – July 2016
A Mother’s Intelligence – June 2016
Rejection Projections – June 2016
The Protection of Pillows – June 2016
Doctor Who the What? – June 2016
My Own Island – May 2016
Unprepared Abyss of Reality – May 2016
Understanding Shame – May 2016
The Truth’s Real Ache – May 2016
The Next Day – April 2016
Inept – April 2016
Madness of Motherhood – April 2016
Imaginary Friends – April 2016
Before the Purpose – April 2016
Sick in More Than the Mind – March 2016
Missing My Emotion – March 2016
The Selfish Within – February 2016
Reality Versus Hope – February 2016
Just Blame the Parents – January 2016
A Will To Survive – January 2016
Losing – January 2016
The Hell of Starbucks – January 2016
Becoming Something – January 2016
Defining Oneself – December 2015
Eternal Essence – December 2015
Hold On – November 2015
Journeys to the Open – November 2015
Okay, That’s Just Ridiculous – November 2015
A Little Loss – November 2015
Processed Homework – November 2015
What Happens Next? – November 2015
Fear & Misunderstandings – October 2015
Other Side of the Coin – October 2015
Dear Interested – October 2015
A Time For Everything – October 2015
At What Point? – October 2015
Explain, Please – October 2015
Around the Bend – September 2015
Under Construction – September 2015
The Grave Digger – September 2015
Valhalla – September 2015
Being Solved – September 2015
Flat-Lining – September 2015
Cut Off Hands – September 2015
The Simplicity of Commonality – September 2015
Think Negative – August 2015
Today I Am A Little Sicker – August 2015
The Pieces That Makes Us Alright – August 2015
Buildings in the Dirt – August 2015
Simply Needing – August 2015
Only a Psalm – August 2015
The Next Step – July 2015
The Most Powerful Force This World Has Ever Seen – July 2015
My Soul Is On Fire – July 2015
Do We Kneel or Do We Walk? – July 2015
Well, It Ain’t That – June 2015
The Greatest and Most Sublime Tragedy of Life – June 2015
Harry & Sally – June 2015
The Hope of Suicide – June 2015
What Cost Happiness? – May 2015
I Know and I Don’t Know – May 2015
Tomorrow – May 2015
Tomorrow I Won’t Be Here – May 2015
And the World Stopped – May 2015
There Once Was A Girl – May 2015
Cigarette, Drink, Wall – April 2015
The Unfair Pattern – April 2015
A Little Girl Learns – April 2015
The Two Faces of Therapy – April 2015
The Emptiness of Reality – April 2015
Is It Over Yet? – April 2015
Responding to Screams – April 2015
Why Are You Here? – April 2015
No Title Needed – April 2015
The Blue Handkerchief – March 2015
One Order of Darkness, Please – March 2015
Bigger Than Strength – March 2015
The Voices in the Surroundings – March 2015
And He Threw Me This – February 2015
Barely Holding On – February 2015
Ahh, The Blahs – January 2015
Straight Back Chairs – Originally Posted November 2014
That Feeling – Originally Posted November 2014
Today’s Selfishness – Originally Posted June 2014
Feeding the Demons – Originally Posted May 2014
Sneaky Little Suckers – Originally Posted March 2014
Finding Silence – Originally Posted November 2013
The Rocky Roads – Originally Posted October 2013
Angels Standing By – Originally Posted October 2013
Think Again – Originally Posted September 2013
The Voices of the Past – Originally Posted September 2013
Flying Like Fairies – Originally Posted September 2013
Life Lessons – Originally Posted September 2013
Flying to Close to The Sun – Originally Posted August 2013
Exhaustion – Originally Posted August 2013
Glimpses of the Sun – Originally Posted August 2013
Signs of the Times – Originally Posted August 2013
Cerebus’ Greetings – Originally Posted August 2013
The Blanket in The Sky – Originally Posted July 2013
16 Equals 160 – Originally Posted July 2013
Bits and Pieces – Originally Posted July 2013
And the Pain Just Keeps Coming – Originally Posted July 2013
An Op Ed – Originally Posted June 2013
Fear’s Intimidation – Originally Posted May 2013
Mirror, Mirror On The Wall – Originally Posted May 2013
World of Nothing – Originally Posted May 2013
Mother Teresa, I’m Not – Originally Posted May 2013
Shadows Dancing – Originally Posted May 2013
Where am I? – Originally Posted April 2013
Finding the True Enemy – Originally Posted April 2013
Pretty Necklaces – Originally Posted April 2013
Sorry, I have a Disease – Originally Posted April 2013
What If? – Originally Posted April 2013
The Second Act – Originally Posted April 2013
The Expectation of A Child’s World – Originally Posted April 2013
Burdened Feet – Originally Posted March 2013
My Life is A Horror Movie – Originally Posted March 2013
A Taste of Freedom – Originally Posted March 2013
Opening The Last Door – Originally Posted March 2013
Nasty, Nasty, Mood – Originally Posted March 2013
Reconciling Visions – Originally Posted March 2013
A Desperation for Escape – Originally Posted February 2013
Sigmund Freud’s Schizophrenia – Originally Posted in February 2013
The Other Not Quite Valentine – Originally Posted in February 2013
That Changing Reality – Originally Posted in February 2013
Birthday in the Dark – Originally Posted in February 2013
Today is Down – Originally Posted in February 2013
Something Beyond – Originally Posted in January 2013
Needing Darkness – Originally Posted in January 2013
Hide in the Dark – Originally Posted in January 2013
I Passed, Nope I Failed – Originally Posted in January 2013
The Pebble – Originally Posted in January 2013
The Alternative – Originally Posted December 2012
I Rather Have a Pap! – Originally Posted December 2012
Baby, You Lie! – Originally Posted December 2012
Lady of My World – Originally Posted December 2012
Goodnight, Moon – Originally Posted December 2012
Common World of Reality Lost – Originally Posted November 2012
Prepare for Death… – Originally Posted November 2012
The Power of Touch – Originally Posted November 2012
An Obligation versus A Fear – Originally Posted November 2012
Seeking Rest – Originally Posted November 2012
The Harsh Light – Originally Posted November 2012
The Peace of Writing – Originally Posted November 2012
A Rainy Day in Georgia – Originally Posted November 2012
The Attacks From Everywhere – Originally Posted October 2012
Forgive Me, Oh God – Originally Posted October 2012
Smoking Through My Tears – Originally Posted October 2012
The Journey – Orignally Posted October 2012
A Safe Truth – Originally Posted October 2012
Cathedrals of the Mind – Originally Posted October 2012
A Bi-Polar’s Self-Help – Originally Posted October 2012
Side Effects – Orginally Posted October 2012
The Skeleton Walks Again – Originally Posted November 2012
The Truth Ache 